Nice Speck!

pointing-finger

I am so thankful for how messed up everyone around me is!

Please don’t unfriend me yet.

I’ve actually been sitting on this blog for a few weeks now because, while learning it, the rug began moving under my feet again. If you’ve gotten tired of hearing me say things like that…trust me. I get tired of living it.

I recently decided that I want a purer heart – I want to love better, learn better, do life better. I made a declaration of war on anything clouding up the vision of my heart. Purifying hearts is really not in my job description, so I prayed this promise, “If you show me, I will look.” I’ma be honest…I didn’t expect to need much time for this task.

I should know better at this point than to underestimate that prayer! Why I go into these exercises believing they will be fun or easy, I have yet to understand.

In the following days and weeks, I started seeing an explosion of ugly, awful, sad, hypocritical things…in you!! Well, not necessarily YOU, but you know, everywhere I looked. Witchiness and magical thinking in the church, paralyzing insecurities, heartbreaking patterns, narcissism. Oh man. Do you have any idea how much I want to pretend those things are just in “them”?

There they definitely are, but … and here’s where the rug starts spinning under my feet … they are just little tiny midgets pointing at giants in my own heart and soul. That I see them at all is important. That I see them first in others means I’m human. That I can now see them in me is the first painful but life-changing step toward freedom.

“Ask, and it will be given to you.”
[The way I read that today: “You’re welcome.”]
~Jesus, Matthew 7:7a

It’s taken me a few weeks to connect the dots between awareness of certain issues around me, and seeing that they’re also rooted (exponentially larger) inside me. These are not new things – they’ve been in and out there all along. They are just things I’ve been blind to.

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
~Jesus, Matthew 7:1-5

I hate that the only way I’ve been able to see gigantic stumps in my own heart is by first seeing a tiny speck in someone else’s, but that has actually been a huge part of this lesson. I’m learning the problem is not seeing someone’s speck, but failing to look at my own. 

These days when I see something unsettling, I don’t just assume I’m gifted at seeing everyone else’s flaws and weaknesses like I did once upon a time. Now I pause, I cringe, I look at myself even if it seems ridiculous, and I am thankful when a blind spot becomes visible.

So, while I’m not necessarily thankful we’re messy, I am thankful we have each other to rub against and learn from.

Iron sharpens iron,
So one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

And I’m thankful for another concrete example of answered prayer, even one that didn’t go quite as I was expecting. We will find if we sincerely seek.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
~Jesus, Matthew 7:7