Untangled

knot

 

 

 

 

 

Hello stranger…it’s been a while.

Wow it feels good to step back on to this virtual hiking path. For almost 4 years it has been a place to share my journey, planting little flags along the way to remember where I was. This year I have done a lot less writing here – I’ve been off-roading and exploring things less easily shareable.

A friend calls it “untying the knots of my soul” – y’all, my knots had formed knots. And that’s ok. I’m becoming increasingly untangled.

The other day I experienced one of my most uncomfortable parental situations. I watched one of my children try to quiet a disruptive group without being offensive to the group, mostly through silent, smiling gestures. She was there through a shared affiliation, and she wasn’t contributing to the disruption, but it became clear that she had no idea how to improve the situation OR remove herself from it. [I’m not criticizing – sweetness is something she comes by quite naturally, ha!] I’m sure I didn’t handle this the best way, if there is one, but I pulled the mean mom card and asked her to come sit by me. It was hours before we had the opportunity to sit and talk about it, so for those hours we walked together in an awkward state of misunderstanding. She thought I was angry and disappointed in her, she was hurt and angry with me, she believed my intentions were to punish her. I finally got the chance to remind her of this underlying truth:

I AM ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

I said that repeatedly and with variety the rest of the evening before she allowed it to penetrate her heart, which frustrated and frankly astounded me. Doesn’t she know that at this point?? Before I go further…I’m not saying I think she’s perfect and every other kid is wrong. I’m not pitting her against other people. I just mean that I want the best for her, and will act toward that goal, always. My actions were made in an effort to protect her, to teach her it’s ok to step away from situations that are not in her best interest. It was not a fun lesson for either of us, but I’m thankful for the chance to have that conversation. She is entering a season of increasing independence.

Today in my prayer closet (aka the shower), I was thinking about yet another personal situation which has left me confused, hurt, angry, and sad. I’ve been silently slushing through those feelings for a couple days now, and I finally asked God for a little help understanding. Guess what started playing through my mind? That experience with my daughter, of course. I have been walking hurt with no idea of the full truth, making assumptions based on my very limited perspective. Is it possible that the universe/God/my authority is really not out to punish me or withhold something sweet from me at every turn? Could he even be protecting me from (or FOR) something I simply can’t comprehend today? These thoughts rolled out, the weight of comfort and revelation with them, and then there was a tiny pause.

I AM ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

I wonder how many times and ways he’s said that to me today waiting for me to hear it. Unlike me, he wasn’t jumping up and down or doing cartwheels or getting frustrated as it worked its way into my heart. God is beautiful and patient, and loves loves loves until we get it. Another knot untangled.