I’m in the middle of my first fight with my best friend. This is the fourth year I’ve known him, and I’m livid. And so.so.sad.
I’ve always hated to listen to people’s fight stories – I’ve never understood blaming someone else for the way your own choices shaped your life. Especially God. But today…Today I can relate.
See, I’ve given everything to him – my life, my heart. With abandon. With struggle. With joy. I have chosen to walk in radical obedience. To trust his promises. I have believed that he would give me the (new) desires of my heart, all of them, which are pure and good.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
He has drawn me deeper to his heart, taken me to new heights, opened my eyes and ears. I have loved my time alone with him, but I am still a human being. I long for physical, spiritual, emotional intimacy; companionship; a spiritual covering for my family.
So for over 3 years I have waited, with shocking patience, for this disciple. I go to an amazing church and I look around – where is my man?? The women are so strong, so grounded, so empowered. But he’s nowhere to be found.
Who can cover me? The deeper I’ve gone with the Lord, the narrower the pool has become. It feels like the most precious gift has backfired in my face. There is no turning back from here, nor is there any desire to. I just want to find someone who gets it.
This week, I thought I was just sad. But I realized to my great distress that I’m seriously angry. Pissed off at the Lord, for wooing me to this place where no one can reach me. For giving me desires that, looking from my perspective, can only be satisfied through severe compromise.
What I find so interesting and comforting is that Jesus isn’t threatened by my anger. What we have is REAL. It’s a real relationship, and this is just another phase we’re going through which will leave us stronger in the end. And he isn’t Mister Stand-Back-With-His-Arms-Wide-Open either. He is fighting back! He took me to Hebrews tonight to remind me what bitterness and anger will do, not just to me, but to anyone I touch while it’s in me. He has called parts of me weak. Lame, even! Ha! He has encouraged me to stay strong and be patient, because I’m getting dangerously close to a slippery slope.
Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”
Hebrews 12:12-15
And still, he is with me, just waiting for me to stop looking through my tiny periscope. He is still squeezing me hard when I let him. And he is crying with me as I throw my tantrums about this sad, broken world.
It’s not his fault. I’m still thankful. I love him more.
p.s. Thank you for allowing me to be real here. The anger I found in my heart took me by surprise, especially being such an introspective person. It made me realize how easy it is to hide these feelings that seem “bad” from ourselves, when all God wants to do is bring it to the light. I really hope I didn’t offend anyone with my process! Love you.
Through Me 